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Fri, May. 20th, 2005, 09:36 pm

So, i'm sitting here watching the CLASSIC, "Groundhog Day" and it hits me: I hate the ocean. And whats not to hate? Oh, i'll give you an answer.

1. It's salty. Super Salty. Super mega ultra salty. Saltier than a contruction workers armpit after he stuck a ham under it. My god, if you even open your mouth around the damn thing its like drinking a horses urine on a diet of salt licks and salt battered salt pork.

2. There's critters in there. HORRIBLE CRITTERS. Holy fuck, there are sharks, giant squids, all kinds of stuff if you step on you'll get poisoned or stung or pinched (I hate those god forsaken crabs and the damn gay ass way they walk), and worst of all, jellyfish. Stupid, good-for-nothing, floating bastards, floating retardedly across the sea, with their damn tenticles wanting to sting you. And let us not forget those terrors of the sea, Hitler's of the oceans, Dolphins. Sure they're cute, and they sqeak so darned adorable, but cross those mother fuckers and they'll kill you faster than a fat man who hasn't eaten in a week on mint choclate chip ice cream. God, I hate them all.

3. The waves. Oh sure, they're fun when they hit you ankles and we all giggle but go out further and the damn things can push you down, puul you out and punch you in the eyeball. Oh waves are fun, if you think fun is getting water in you lungs and drowning is awesome. You will get water in you mouth, sharkes will eat you, you will die. The ocean is working together to piss you off and kill you.

4 Its deep. Its a fact, the damn thing is deep. Google it. 36000 feet. Holy purple farm dog. Thats deeper than the highest mountain. UGH!

Side note: I love the beach, I have tacky calenders with pictures of palm trees and sandy beaches.

But step on a damn crab while walking in the ocean? I'D RATHER BE DEAD.

Fri, May. 20th, 2005 08:46 pm (UTC)

There was no ocean in that movie!

Illegal use of a non-sequitur, -100 points!

Also re #2: surf shoes. Seriously. I never go in the water without them. Even pools.

Fri, May. 20th, 2005 09:32 pm (UTC)

"Saltier than the Morton Girl's umbrella"

Sat, May. 21st, 2005 07:27 pm (UTC)

Let's also remember that a day at the ocean means sand in your asscrack for DAYS.

Mon, May. 23rd, 2005 02:57 pm (UTC)

i was just forced on a beach this weekend. there was some disgusting sea leavery all over!