Technology is cool. At any given time, I find myself enjoying a cold soda from my fridge, watching antique roadshow (MONDAYS AT 8!), listening to 80's music on my BITCHIN Sony TFM 9450
, reading about manifest destiny on my computer, talkin to my bitchez on my cell phone, taking pictures of my Sony TFM 9450
with my BEST CAMERA TO EXIST Canon S3IS, recording Spirted Away on my DVR, savoring the comfort of central air, all while enjoying the gentle glow of my ironically energy saving florescent lamp. However,
IT HAS GONE TOO FAR.
The wonders of plumbing need to give a rest. Automatically flushing toilets are a plague upon humanity.
The problems outweigh the benefits, the toilet should be a place for comfort and happiness, you are releaving yourself of discomfort, what could be better? But, imagine if you will, you go to unload your worries after a fucking 3 hour long movie about pirates or spidermens and your glorious mental bliss is SHATTERED because the moment you sit the toilet flushes. You may recover to still enjoy the expeirence, but then comes the end, all done, but no toilet flush. You are not a child, or a DICK, you must flush the toilet because that is one thing left in this world to keep everyone happy. You look around, waiting... nothing. You have other stuff to do now that your break is done and you dont have time for this toilet voodoo shit so you push the manual button, DEFEATING THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF AN AUTOMATIC FLUSH.
I know what you are thinking: No handle to push, no poopy germ hand, Kate, you dumb bitch, whats wrong with something that cool? Really nothing. In theory, its great. So was communism. HOWEVER, you have no idea how many super filthy surfaces you come in contact with in the restroom, even if you wash your hands on the way out just grab that door handle on the way out and you might as well have peed on your hands. You are awesome and smart enough to wash your hands but not everyone is. Ewwwwwww. I've cleaned out a bathroom or two in my day, I know all its dirty secrets. Like every mens room to ever exist is exponentially more dirty than a ladies room. DONT DARE QUESTION ME. But I digress.
I guess it comes to this: you are covered in filth all the time, you eat off dirty things, you put you hands all over nasty things all day long, you are never clean, germ freak, and here you are alive, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine. So why make such a bother with an automatical toilet? They suck.
Feel the cold breeze and water splashings of a premature toilet flush ever again? I'D RATHER BE DEAD.
Also, has anyone ever been in a stall with a handwashing sink in it? Thanks for doubling the line for the ladies room EASTON MALL IN COLUMBUS OHIO.
Most of my teachers this semester missed the seminar on effective writing. Every syllabus is confusing, repetitive, filled with errors, and just plain useless. I don't even think the courses are very hard... but understanding what they want is!
If you are teaching a class, you should understand what a run-on sentence is. Hell, you should know how to form an effective sentence period
Hand out thirty copies of a syllabus I didn't proof-read? I'd rather be dead.
It was bad enough a few years ago when just about the only jeans you could find had a jackass stripe
. But I think the jackass stripe eventually evolved into one of the most idiotic trends ever: Will this stupid trend of "distressed" clothes please just die already?
Seriously, what is the appeal of buying new clothes that look like they came from a dumpster? Why would anyone pay twenty or thirty (or sometimes a lot more) dollars for a new T-shirt that probably won't survive more than two trips through the washing machine? Who wants new jeans that look like they've been worn all day every day for the last six months?
And if the trend itself isn't stupid enough for you, go through a rack of distressed stuff sometime. Not only is each item full of rips, holes and/or stains, but each pair has EXACTLY THE SAME rips, holes and/or stains. Am I the only one who thinks that's kind of pathetic and sad? There's so much of these clothes that there's not much else in the store
I guess I'll just keep wearing the stuff I already have until it looks like this supposedly fashionable "new"crap. Maybe some other stupid trend will have taken over by then. But there's no way I'm going to pay for the privledge of looking like a bag lady. I'D RATHER BE DEAD!
Dear lady at the train station,
NO. The GED and the GRE are two COMPLETELY different things. I am studying for the latter, as I wish to pursue a doctoral degree of majesty. I graduated high school like 3 years ago with flying fucking colors. I go to a private university. AUGHHHHHHHHH.
Dear The Sun,
I know you light and heat the earth and without you we wouldn't have lots of cool things like solar power, sweet corn and existance, but you are such a fucking bully. Sure, you see to it that the world isn't a freezing death hole, and you played a big part in life, you know, doing so good. Kudos, really, I appriciate it. Thanks. But the madness must stop here. What kind of powerful life provider are you? The one that deals out sunburn and skin cancer? People desire for your tan-giving rays, and you hand it over like a gumball despenser giving gumballs. But you are a crazed serial killer handing out poison candy to the naive holloween children. Now nobody can Trick-or-Treat anymore. Asshole.
Alright, I admit, I am a little mad, you do
give me hives, which I gotta tell you, having sunburn is bad, but if it itches too? What a tastey treat! And I swear up and down you are the source of some of my migranes. It might not be true, childhood associations blah blah blah, but think of what else you do to others! Solar flares, interfering with various radio waves, your eclipses blinding children? Seriously dude, what kind of ego do you have that nobody can look at you without punishment? Are you some bizzare cosmic dictator? It adds up? Unreasonable and tyranical punishments to your subjects, threatening nuclear power, brainwashing all of your subjects to think youre freaking sweet despite evidence against the claim! Kim Jung Sun! Stalsun! Sun pot! I am calling you out on this!
I drew this picture for you, the lighting accidently works out
Another day under the sun's facist regime? I'D RATHER BE DEAD!
I just joined today. I'm thatoneguy--bland.
i had a discussion today about the movie Grease
and why I hate it. The story is trite. The acting is. . . . Well, it's early John Travolta. And the chick changed for the guy! No one should have to change for anyone else, unless they have an obvious flaw that utterly and completely prevents one from being with the other; that is not the case in the movie.
But the thing that pisses me off the most about that movie? Those damned songs. They're horrific! There's nothing to them!! I believe that the reason they're so "good" is because they're catchy and get stuck in your head easily. I think most people had a song from it stuck in their head and decided that, instead of hating it, they were going to enjoy it, because no one wants a song they HATE
stuck in their head, oh no. So, let's like the shitty music from Grease!
....Or we could not. I would indeed much rather be dead that have to watch that movie EVER
again, unless there is a very attractive girl in my arms with a promise of sexual activities after the movie.
But in general, Grease
needs to die. Repeatedly. From many a shotgun-blast to the groin and head areas.
I am going to use my god-like powers to get rid of daylight savings time.
As of right now, I am reliving the 1 o'clock hour. Some people would be all like JACKPOT! Sleep extra or who what. But I remember. Last spring, beleive it or not, we lost an hour. This hour is just make up for the earlier one. I see the hour as what it really is: A POSER. It tricks people into thinking its the coolest hour of the whole damn year but in reality, its just some bullshit actor in hollywood who seems so great in the ONE MOVIE he is in but he's really an ass hole and then later does so much crack and lands up becoming a whore. That's right, the one o'clock hour I am reliving is a dirty crack-loving man-whore.
Saving energy or something. PAH! That was a long time ago, during a war where they also were conseving metals and food, neither of which we do anymore. Nobody cares about consevation, so don't give that line.
Lots of places dont even follow daylight savings time, like Indiana. But im not gonna do anything crazy like GO THERE. I rather brush my hair with a loaded handgun.
And now its going to get dark earlier, which I DO like, BUT
that would have happened if daylight savings wern't raining its hell-urine on us this day. Its going to screw with my mental clock. LIKE IT IS RIGHT NOW.
I'D RATHER BE DEAD than have to change ALL of the clocks in my apartment for something so stupid again
(If you didn't know or can't remember, I work at an ice cream store.)
Why do eating establishments have such stupid sizes?
-Our shakes come in three sizes: Regular, Large and Giant. This is actually does make a little bit of sense-- they used to have just Regular and Large, then added Giant later. Still, Argh.
-The soft serve has three sizes: Kid's, Regular and Medium. Aaaargh.
-The Deep Freeze (UDF's answer to the Blizzard) has two sizes: Small and Regular. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Did you notice that, depending on the item, "regular" could be the small, medium, or large size? Why, why, why?
If you are designing a restaurant and you have a menu item offered in multiple sizes, here's how it works:
-If three sizes are available, you will call them Small, Medium and Large.
-If two sizes are available, you will call them Small and Large.
-If only one size is available, it doesn't need a name, but if you must give it one, call it Regular or something similar.
-If more than three sizes are... no, wait, you don't need more than three sizes. Geez.
If you call your sizes something truly idiotic-- like Cold Stone Creamery, whose sizes are Like It, Love It and Gotta Have It; or snooty yuppie coffee places, whose sizes I've never bothered to figure out-- I get to kick in your teeth. Sound fair?
Ordering food should be insanely simple. Don't make it so I have to learn your special language just to order there-- I'D RATHER BE DEAD!
Speaking of hating the sea, I hate seaweed. On sushi, it's cool, but as for eating large quantities in my soup and straight and on "cookies"--oh, fuck that shit. Problem being, of course, that I'm in JAPAN, land of SEAWEED. Not to mention being served fish that reek and still have HEADS and TAILS. UGH!
Eat more briny doom? I'D RATHER BE DEAD! Shineba yokatta desu yo!
So, i'm sitting here watching the CLASSIC, "Groundhog Day" and it hits me: I hate the ocean. And whats not to hate? Oh, i'll give you an answer.
1. It's salty. Super Salty. Super mega ultra salty. Saltier than a contruction workers armpit after he stuck a ham under it. My god, if you even open your mouth around the damn thing its like drinking a horses urine on a diet of salt licks and salt battered salt pork.
2. There's critters in there. HORRIBLE CRITTERS. Holy fuck, there are sharks, giant squids, all kinds of stuff if you step on you'll get poisoned or stung or pinched (I hate those god forsaken crabs and the damn gay ass way they walk), and worst of all, jellyfish. Stupid, good-for-nothing, floating bastards, floating retardedly across the sea, with their damn tenticles wanting to sting you. And let us not forget those terrors of the sea, Hitler's of the oceans, Dolphins. Sure they're cute, and they sqeak so darned adorable, but cross those mother fuckers and they'll kill you faster than a fat man who hasn't eaten in a week on mint choclate chip ice cream. God, I hate them all.
3. The waves. Oh sure, they're fun when they hit you ankles and we all giggle but go out further and the damn things can push you down, puul you out and punch you in the eyeball. Oh waves are fun, if you think fun is getting water in you lungs and drowning is awesome. You will get water in you mouth, sharkes will eat you, you will die. The ocean is working together to piss you off and kill you.
4 Its deep. Its a fact, the damn thing is deep. Google it. 36000 feet. Holy purple farm dog. Thats deeper than the highest mountain. UGH!
Side note: I love the beach, I have tacky calenders with pictures of palm trees and sandy beaches.
But step on a damn crab while walking in the ocean? I'D RATHER BE DEAD.